Author Topic: relationships and personalities  (Read 442 times)

galumay

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relationships and personalities
« on: October 31, 2017, 07:11:43 PM »
This is a bit of a stream of conciousness, its is prompted by thinking about my sister last night. I havent spoken to her for about 14 years and she has been dying of some sort of brain tumor for the last few years.

I was close to her as a child, i was the eldest and she the youngest, we usually ganged up on my poor middle brother. As adults though we grew further and further apart over the years.

I found her an increasingly pretentious twat, culminating one time when she visited me in Perth, mind you I was pretty damn provocative as well so it was a fiery combination! She carried on like a pork chop because we smoked pot in front of her - said she would be kicked out of law school if anyone found out. I dont think Melbourne Uni were going to give a rat's arse about her being in the same room as a Freo hippy choofing on a spliff!

Anyway, we were still talking at that stage even if there wasnt much mutual respect!

The final straw came for me when Sal was pregnant, Mum & Bob went to stay with my sister in Port Douglas - she flew them up there every other year to be baby sitters basically so she and her husband could piss off and do their thing. Sal & I decided to take the opportunity to fly over and catch up with Mum & Bob in Port Douglas. My sister must have decided that would cramp her style so she emailed me telling me we couldn't come and stay with them in PD, the most hilarious and offensive part of the email was that she claimed it would be "too much" for Mum & Bob to have us stay because they "were getting on a bit".

The fact that she spent the next 14 years dumping her kids on Mum whenever she had some social thing or other child free event makes that a ridiculous claim.

I came to see her as a very manipulative and selfish woman, I think her husband played a big part in that, he is a very controlling person and clearly sees his family as the first priority and more important and better than our family - until he needed someone to look after his kids! I felt that I needed to protect my family from my sister's personality and behaviour.

I guess I had learnt from my ex, Michelle, that if you want to stop someone from manipulating you and playing mind games with you, then you have to take control and end the poisonous relationship. (she saved me from a disasterous relationship with a teacher years ago, that woman drove me to the point of seriously considering suicide, and it was only when I was empowered by Michelle and told Sam that I was finished with her and would never talk to or acknowledge her again that I finally became free of that corrosive 'relationship)

So I did the same thing with my sister, just cut her off completely. Of course I still got to hear a bit about her from family - mainly about whatever way she was currently manipulating and using them!! Also though some family trying to talk me into forgiving her when ever I spent time down south with them. I have always held strong though. Then when it was discovered she had a terminal tumour of course there was more pressure to forgive and forget, and I had to give it some consideration. But when I heard that the only comment was from her husband, saying I damn well better not turn up there on there doorstep I realised nothing had changed and they are the type of people that are best removed from one's life.

I did write her a letter some time later just to say that I was sorry to hear she was unwell and acknowledging that the decisions we had made had caused hurt to some other members of the family and maybe that was something we could work to resolve in some way - but it was completely ignored.

I also remember that when my wife nearly died in 2010 and spent a month in hospital in Melbourne there was no contact, concern or communication from my sister, so its hard to feel anything about her condition now.

I guess the reason I am even writing about this now is to see if maybe there is a side of me that regrets my reaction to her behaviour over the years, but even in writing it now it has rather the opposite effect and I only feel like it was the best course of action.

I am a great believer in only surrounding yourself with people you want to be like and who share values and integrity with you - on that basis she and her husband are not people I would have had in my life if she were not related to me anyway.

Finally, even if I had forgiven her and tried to have some sort of normal sibling relationship with her, it would have kept ending up in conflict - I still get mad when I hear 2nd hand about the way she behaves and the things she does so it would have been very destructive to maintain a relationship just because she is family.